At Rest

I've been learning By Your Side - Omori on my Roland FP10 piano for a few weeks now. I’ve been on and off for a few years, so it has been taking a bit to learn how to play it fast enough. But, the song had been sounding wrong the entire time I was learning it. I was just pushing through and figured it was due to lack of technical skill. But I couldn’t figure out one optimal finger movement so I checked the video… and they were playing the black keys instead of the white ... 90% of the song is sharp. I'd been playing in the wrong key this entire time. I thought I was just tone deaf. I'm not really used to trusting my gut.

and, it's annoying because I know the Omori OST really well!! It'd be the first game I play after I got my memories wiped. Well, it's that or Disco Elysium but that one is probably best left wrapped in its Apricot-scented gum wrapper. I envy my friends who can relive those firsts. I can remember being three and sitting next to the couch and randomly thinking "I will remember this". As a teen I would write out every single memory I could commit to paper - bags and bags of notebooks. I didn't want to forget a single thing. I've tried watching that Jim Carry movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind, but I can't get past 30 minutes. I've tried like 8 times I think? I just start making random sounds until I get overwhelmed and have to turn it off. If I forget something I get similarly upset - honestly it was only a year ago I learned most other people don't have this attachment to memories.

so, forgetting how to play with the white keys wasn't easy. The body is very stubborn about what it remembers. When I was bored in class, I'd practice writing with my left hand. I wanted to be ambidextrous - I consciously grabbed door knobs, waved, shook hands, drew, scratched my face. Never happened. Sometimes you train your mind and prepare mantras, but the body just will not budge. It'll freak out, cry, and run away. There's a weird dissonance where you know you're fine and going to be fine, but your body wants to jump.

but, I can't hate this body. Hands are so fascinating. Turning the pages of the sheet music to deliberate over the optimal placement of each finger. Moving my fingers for hard chords to see the extent the webbing can stretch. There's an intense feeling when I'm able to coordinate both hands, especially for the double A natural key midway through the song. Thinking about the shapes my hands are making and how beautiful each one is. Waking up the next morning and my hands can play notes I can't read on the sheet. When I was on lonely walks to and from school I'd imagine my computer keyboard back in my small room. Thinking of movements my hands would make when typing my favourite words. How many steps in between each letter was and what it added up to - if I had to move from Q to T it'd be four points because of W, E, R, and T. I kept a tally in my head of which words were most efficient and least efficient when choosing synonyms. I have 150 WPM, so it must've helped at least a little bit!

recently, I've started doing the same on my walks. I've been carrying around printed sheet music and visualizing notes. When I rotate an apple in my head, I feel like I'm kneading it. But it's -21 Farenheit right now. And Nazis are raiding the streets. I've not been outside in... a while. In the last Daydream I had mentioned being a shut in for the majority of my life. It wasn't easy to be comfortable around others; I've been feeling like someone's behind me. At all times. I have wonderful people to thank for helping me get to where I've been; I'd never do bad on their memory by regressing. But, I think my body is failing. Sometimes all of the colours fade in saturation. I'm not sure why? I've also had these episodes where I see bright gold speckles in front of me, like twinkling stars. It's happened four times, and it's after I cough. Objects also seem to get bigger or smaller randomly, like a cup on my desk will feel the entire length of the room away. I also had trouble remembering things people had just said; I guess my mind is just in another spot lately. I wake up most days sore and tired, as though in my dreams I collided against the walls of the void for infinity. I've been feeling like this since the start of September.

all-in-all, I'm just trying to feel normal. I had to put a break on drawing because I couldn't concentrate. While I do have yapper streamers on in the background almost all the time, I'm not really listening, and when I draw I get into a very intense meditative flow state. Piano's felt different. I feel like, in my lonely room, that I'm being heard and talked to but not acknowledged. I know I sound weird but legitimately there's something so wonderful about practicing a set of finger movements and you know what you're going to hear. If I could make music for everyone but nobody even realized it was coming from outside of themself, I'd be so happy. Like a ghost. It's why I write daily status messages; I don't need to hear laughter, I just want my friends to be happy.

but again, I don't want to be alone. I am learning piano for my own sake, but I love learning hobbies alongside others. So if I'm trying to learn art, I'll make art friends. I'm hoping to make more piano friends, but I also want to be comfortable enjoying something by myself for myself. It's hard to balance, and it's why I think I have to learn to trust my gut. Something was feeling bad for a very long, long time, and I tried to put space between myself and it so I could recover. But the feeling never got better until I kept following my gut. I tried every possible logical gymnastic to make it reasonable to me, and to just soldier through it. Learning to play the notes faster, but it was just not in the right key. I'm really sad about it all, and some days I just keep crying, but I think I did what's right for me. No, I feel in my gut that I did the right thing.

I think most people, when asked why they've been interested in piano lately, would just say it feels good. If I were really following my gut, I'd not need to reason this all out. But this still feels right to post. I want to share what I'm doing with everyone, and no one in particular. Not any one person to follow my every interest, but rather screaming it into the void. I feel happy when I make art or write something that resonates with someone and they talk to me about it later. Some people have been following my site for years without talking to me; it's exactly why it's here.

And I'll keep making my art, no matter how long it takes. I want it to reflect how I'm feeling more. Painting from my gut, rather than reasoning out what the piece should be. In the past I've essentially cut out a square of what each drawing will be by reasoning what it can't be. There’s only so much creative potential on any canvas. And I love my art, by the way, but I want my pen to feel the same way the piano does. Like I'm being listened to.

And at the end of the day, that's all I want. Just to feel listened to, and understood, so thank you for reading. It means so much.